I’ve wanted to write about my complicated mother daughter relationship for years, but have been afraid to do so. First, I didn’t want it to be a negative reflection of my childhood. I have countless loving memories and even more loving family members. I’m so thankful to have them in my life and wish I lived closer to them every day.
Second, I didn’t want my mom to feel attacked in case she read this. I would love to have her in my life again and not feel deterred by me writing this.
For the most part, I had a good relationship with my mom growing up. She was definitely “the strict mom” but she also took great care of me. There are so many little things that she did, that I know she was as loving and caring as she could be.
We grew further apart from each other once I went to college. It was a natural progression as I was literally living on the other side of the world and it was difficult to keep in touch frequently. I was always excited to come home each break, but as family dynamics shifted, so did our relationship.
My goal isn’t to air out dirty laundry because the truth is, we both contributed to its demise. I wanted my mom to be the “bigger” person because she was “the adult” in this relationship, so I became indifferent towards her.
For the first part of my twenties, I came to terms with not having her in my life. “It is what it is” – was my mantra. I had other people in my life loving me and that was – and still means – everything to me.
But as I’ve been reflecting on my life over the last few years (as one does approaching 30 ha!), I realize how much I would love to have that relationship back. Wouldn’t it be nice to just talk to her and see how she’s doing? I am so envious of people who can call or text their mom on a Wednesday morning. Tell me, how does that feel?
Looking back, there were so many moments in my twenties where I wish I had my mom next to me. Even if I would have disagreed with her opinion or not found it helpful. She would have still been there.
It’s hard to remove or forget a person when they literally gave you life. And that’s what’s been so troubling. I could never imagine birthing a child and then not having a relationship with them. Even if it’s a complicated mother daughter relationship. But maybe I’m naive.
With age comes wisdom and I’ve reached the point where I have no expectations of how things might turn out. I would love to create a stream of communication and simply talk about the weather if that’s all there is to it.
I will continue to reach out whenever I can and hope that one day I receive a reply.